


Acceptance

by okikagu143



Category: Kagura/Okita Sougo - Fandom, okitaxkagura
Genre: #okitaxkagura, F/M, Kagura/Okita Sougo - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:54:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26492257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okikagu143/pseuds/okikagu143
Summary: Kagura was drowning in guilt. Gintoki and Shinpachi were both critical because of her.....because she's a monster. What will happen now?
Relationships: Kagura/Okita Sougo, okitaxkagura - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

-Chapter 1-  
It was all her fault…..  
IT WAS ALL HER DAMN FAULT.  
“KAGURA-CHAN!! COME BACK TO YOUR SENSES PLEASE!!!!” Shinpachi yelled at the top of his lungs. He was crouched down beside Sadaharu, both of them gravely injured. She should’ve been worrying about them right now.   
Gin-chan was down; a damned iron spear pierced on his back, pinning him to the ground. He was bathed in blood---IN A FUCKING POOL OF BLOOD. She should’ve been rushing to his side right now.  
Right now.  
Right now.  
No. Not right now.  
First things first.   
And what is first is to kill this fuckin’ piece of shit who did that.  
As inhumane as possible. As savage as possible ---to break his neck is not enough; to crash his skull is not enough; to rip open his ribcage is not enough.  
Because right now, his blood on her hands is not enough. The slimy, sticky red liquid staining her vermillion locks is not enough.   
Surely there is more.   
She fuckin’ swears she will drain every fluid of his body.  
So she poured all her Yato strength in every punch, every strike, every kick, every head butt.  
And with each attack, the enemy cannot even howl or cry. His eyes were already bloodshot, swollen, bulging and rolled up. His limbs were broken---he heard them---crushing beneath her fist. His whole body deformed---completely shattered by her destructive force. He can’t believe death could be this painful. More so, from the hands of a little girl.  
He was smashed to the ground. He wheezed. Life was escaping from him.  
“KAGURA-CHAAAAANN! STOOOPPPPP!! PLEASE!!!!  
She should’ve listened to Shinpachi’s call. She should’ve controlled herself.  
She stomped on his neck. He threw up the last ounce of his blood. It stained her face. She grinned maniacally. She thinks it’s pretty.  
She should’ve done this before. It was exhilarating.   
Her dilated pupils scanned her enemy’s mutilated body.  
Blood sure is pretty.  
She’s supposed to be stronger now, stronger than the Yato beast inside her.  
She’s thoroughly enjoying her ‘work’ when someone kicked her from behind. She was thrown meters away from the cadaver.  
She landed hard and hit her head. It bled. Everything became blurry. But she didn’t care. She was still grinning.  
There’s more.  
More enemy. More blood.  
“KAGURAAAAAA!!!!!” Who was it? Suddenly, she was attacked. She saw a flash of white.  
“WAKE UP! GET A GRIP!! I’M NOT DEAD!!”  
“KAGURA-CHAN!! PLEASE COME BACK TO US!!”  
Who are they?   
Her eyes were wide open but she cannot recognize them anymore. She didn’t care…..  
Blood is pretty.  
So she dyed them red.  
She’s a monster.   
She hurt her family.  
Hurt? Heh, you’ve sent them half-dead to the hospital. And you just call it ‘hurt’?  
She cried---and screamed---and hit herself many times.   
How did this happen? Why the hell did she let it happen?  
She clutched her chest. Her heart burns, her lungs swollen, her veins throb. It was so painful. She gasped for air. She was choking in guilt.   
She wanted to die.  
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-  
Yamazaki was not as skilled as others officers when it comes to swordsmanship. He can beat others--- but with using much effort and endurance. But no one in the Shinsengumi has mastered the art of spying than him---his observational skills were superb plus his writing was above average. His reports were accurate, with the data elaborated in the clearest format.   
One of the key points of his reports is a complete and detailed description of the crime scene. This is mandatory as it will be the basis of their investigations. As a police officer, he was used to seeing bloody mess in the site. He took notes of the location and position of blood stains, corpses, debris and weapons. He’s unaffected by it.   
That was until last night.  
The slaughtered Amanto cannot be identified anymore, not with that kind of state. His chest was ripped open, torn flesh scattered all over, limbs crushed ruthlessly, fragments of bones stuck out the epidermis, eyeballs dropping out of the sockets, nose pummeled, jaw twisted and was it his lungs stuffed on his mouth? Or heart? Bladder? He didn’t want to know.  
He puked. He couldn’t take it. It was beyond sickening. It was total carnage. The others cannot conceal their disgust either, even the medics cringed as they neared the remains.   
From afar, he saw his chief, vice chief and captain frozen on spot. Shocked and disbelief written on their faces. Not for the Amanto though, but for the other two victims sprawled on the ground. He can’t identify them with all the blood---but wait! Isn’t that the China girl of Yorozuya? She was all covered in blood too. She was standing still and was staring into space. The Amantos must have been really strong to wear her out that much. He took out his pen and pad. He can ask the Yorozuyas for the details. Speaking of which, why was she alone? Where’s the Yorozuya danna and Shinpachi-kun? He roamed his eyes. Negative. No perm-head. No glasses. He looked at his notes. He barely had any data yet so he decided to go and examine the other two bloody victims. China girl was standing near them, he might as well interview her. As he approach the bodies, he first noticed one of them whose cloth was actually white and he noted those blue swirl patterns. I think I’ve seen that before. He froze. His eyes widened. Hell no. Both bodies were smashed to the ground, face first. He shouldn’t---couldn’t assume, was it them? But the clothes…Impossible…He cannot continue walking towards the subject, his knee was shaking. I haven’t confirmed it yet. He hesitantly turned his gaze to the other body. There’s too much blood, he cannot classify. He took another step forward---something crushed under his foot. He checked on it. His knees buckled, he fell on his butt. Shattered eyeglasses…  
The Yorozuya girl noticed his presence, she looked at him. Her eyes widened and she grinned. His heart hammered against his ribcage. She looked beastly. She looked like a savage. She looked like…  
A monster.   
“Oi China!” he heard the captain.  
China turned to him. At instinct, he readied his stance and gripped his sword, this alerted the girl and she attacked first. For so many times, Yamazaki had witnessed their ‘friendly’ duel---always violent but never fatal---THIS, is both. There is the intent to kill.   
He sees how she aimed her fist to her rival. The captain barely dodged the attack but the impact threw off his balance. China girl pivoted her foot and gave a deadly kick. He managed to block it with his arms but he was sent flying. “OKITA-TAICHOU!!!” Realizing that this was no time to watch and worry, he mustered all his remaining strength to stand up and called the medics to rescue the two Yorozuyas.  
Everyone unsheathed their katanas, but their vice chief was quick and in seconds he was in front of her. He swung his katana but she was quicker; she kneed him on the guts and he spewed blood and saliva. He grabbed her head to hit her directly in the face but she gripped his arm, shove it away from her face and knocked him off with a head butt.   
“TOSHI!!!!” Their chief appeared behind her, gripping his sword over his head. At that cue, everyone attacked.   
He saw how she countered all attacks with doubled force. She was hit and stabbed several times but hell, she was still grinning. It’s terrifying.  
“They are still breathing!” the medics shouted.   
He was snapped out of his reverie. “Quick! Get in the van and bring them to the hospital now!! You! Go with them and secure their safety! Move! Move! Move!!”  
In a short moment he was not looking, the whole squad was defeated. He saw the captain up on his feet again and charging towards the girl. He was determined to bring her down. He can. A monster unleashes another monster. He swung his sword, and the China girl received the blow with the back of his sword. She caught it with her hand. It sliced the flesh of her palms and he was hesitant to withdraw the blade. Wait. Was he holding back?! He kicked her side instead, she gasped, her grip loosened, he took that chance. He jumped backwards and thrusted his sword towards her. China girl dodged and caught his wrist this time. Her expression didn’t change and he saw how the captain flinched. She tried to grab his neck but he caught her wrist too.   
“China, stop!!” Concern masked in anger. Her dilated pupils focused on him, her evil grin grew wider.  
“You shitty brat! Do you realize what you have done to your so-called family?!”  
Her grinned ceased. “Family?” she mouthed.   
He knocked her head with his. They both winced. Immediately he grabbed her and locked her arms from behind. He kicked her behind the legs and she dropped on her knees. She screamed and wriggled aggressively. Her Yato instinct was subsiding. She has weakened. Yet the captain was clearly struggling to lock her in place.  
As Yamazaki took note of each event, someone walked passed from behind him, and he was horrified to see the Yorozuya danna, covered and dripping with blood, limping towards the two.   
The China girl saw him. Her face changed as realization hit her core. The reality of what she did dawned upon her and her blue eyes now projected fear. The captain was still securing his hold onto her but he was as well shocked to see a walking zombie. Danna didn’t make it to them, he collapsed halfway.  
Time froze.  
China girl cried loudly, and finally broke free from the captain.   
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

China is a monster. He mean it. But not literally. Not a beast who can send anyone to their deathbed, even a beloved.  
He recalled the events last night---how their deaths were within her grasp already. What the hell, China.   
He watched as the nurses tend to Gintoki. Earlier, he was having a surge of blood pressure and so he immediately demanded for aid. It was probably due to too much sugar. You should say farewell to chocolate parfaits when you survive, danna.  
“How’s that idiot doing?” He turned to see Hijikata at the door.  
“Hijikata-san, are you blind or what?”  
Hijikata ignored him and walked towards the foot of the bed. “Kondo-san and the older Shimura are on their way. Should we tell her?”  
“Tell her what?”  
“Don’t play dumb. You know what I mean.”  
Sougo didn’t reply. He kept his stare at Gintoki.  
The nurses finished their task and left the room.  
“Why would you ask me if we should tell Anego or not. It’s none of my business if Chi---“  
“Sougo.” He turned his head to him. He was met with serious eyes. “Your deadpan tone cannot mask the concern in your eyes.”  
He stiffened.   
“If there’s anyone left that is concerned about the welfare of that Yorozuya girl, it’s you.”  
Sougo looked at him, maintaining that uninterested look. “That’s a lame hypothesis, Hijikata-san. Since when did I give a shit to that brat’s well-being? I’ll let you know; I hate her guts. We both despise each other. Whatever happens to her is none of my business. How on earth did you come up with that idea anyway? I see, your logical reasoning is getting stupider. You can prevent further impairment thru immediate death. Shall I assist you now?”  
“Heh, you’re overreacting, brat. Is that what they call in-denial?”   
Silence.  
The captain was not able to counter his statement. Checkmate. Hijikata almost smirked.   
Sougo sighed, closed his eyes, put one hand at his pocket and the other rubbed his temples. Stupid mayo-freak. “Hijikata-san, as police officers, we should be objective. It is our duty to report the facts. Anego has the right to know everything regardless of the consequences…” He looked out the window. The sky was clear blue and bright. Blue and bright…blue and bright………..  
A nurse knocked on the door catching their attention. “I’m sorry but your Chief was looking for you. He was in Shimura-san’s room with a young brunette.”


	2. Chapter 2

-Chapter 2-  
Otae was looking at her younger brother from the glass window of the ICU. She sees a lot of wires connected to his frail body. She felt like they were strangling her; she cannot breathe properly and when she does, tears roll down her cheeks. The beeping sound of the machine does not calm her. She hates it. It felt like a timer--- a reminder of each passing second her brother was lying almost lifeless.  
Gintoki was not doing any better. Of the two, he was the most critical. His condition remained unstable. Doctors and nurses kept on rushing to his room every now and then to stabilize any irregularity in his vitals. In those instances, anxiety consumes Otae. Her strong personality crumbles with the sight of devices and panic noises hovering over Gintoki. Her heart pounded as she waits in one corner. At those moments, she appreciated the presence of her gorilla stalker. Kondo may or may not be using this opportunity to be with her, but she’s thankful to have someone by her side.  
She sighed.  
It's been a week.   
It all started when a disoriented Kondo appeared at the Shimura dojo and asked her to come with him to the Edo hospital immediately. He didn’t say why so she was suspicious. Thinking it was some sort of his dirty plan, she slammed the door to his face. But he was desperate. He kept banging the door, telling her that it was an emergency. Finally, he blurted out, “Yorozuya and Shinpachi-kun are in the hospital! They’re both critical!” With that, she turned hastily, opened the door and grabbed his cravat. Her face is shocked, worried and angry. “What happened?!” She’s trembling. “C-Calm down O-Otae-san! I’ll explain everything to you on the way.”  
While driving, Kondo cautiously explained the details based on Yamazaki’s final report. Her mind was blank though—the only words that registered to her were Shinpachi-kun, Yorozuya, fight, Amanto and fatal.  
Fatal?  
Those three always choose the most ridiculous kind of job, and more often than not, the riskier ones. But them ending it with a fatal injury? No. She has never heard of it. And she doesn’t want to. Ever. What kind of job did they do anyway? Why were those two morons almost got killed? Wait. Why just two?  
She started to become more and more restless. “And Kagura-chan?” she asked. She realized they were only talking about the two, no mention of the Yato female. Kondo’s shoulder stiffened. She noticed it. “We-well, the China girl has the ability to heal fast! So she decided to rest at home! Perks of being a Yato, you know!” His grin didn’t reach his ears. That was true but she felt strange. There’s something lacking on Kondo’s story, it doesn’t add up. She decided to stay silent. Whatever it was, she will surely find out.   
Upon parking, the older Shimura hurriedly got down the car and hastened towards the building while Kondo clumsily ran to catch up. “Otae-san! Wait for me!”  
The scent of disinfectant, drugs, sweat and copper wafted to her nose at first step inside the hospital. Her tears start to linger, hands balled to fists, legs moving fast.  
Kondo was literally running, frantically trying to slow her down but she paid no mind. Her eyes steadies on the white hallway. Ironic how her head feels light while her steps feel heavy. They stopped in front of a door. Kondo looked at her anxiously before he turned the knob and opened it wide for her.   
And there…….was Shinpachi.  
‘No way.’  
Swollen face, shallow slits on throat, busted lips, bruised eyes---his brows were furrowed like he wanted to cry---body lacerations, contusions and deep scratch marks---the bandages cannot hide them, blood marks are peeking.  
‘No way. No. No. No.’  
She felt numb.   
Her strength, all gone. Her fire, died down.  
The actuality was harsh and cold. It was biting her in the neck.  
She forgot how to breathe.  
She was collapsing. Kondo instantly caught her in his arms. Their proximity bothered her no more, for her eyes were fixated to Shinpachi…to her poor beloved brother…  
She slowly approached the bed, hands outstretched and trembling. “Shin……chan…” She lightly touched his head. “Who…did…this?” Her eyes were full of dread.  
Kondo didn’t answer. He was looking down at the floor. “Otae-san…pleas---“   
“Tell me!” She cried. “Who did this?!! Where’s Gin-san?!! And Kagura-chan?!! You’re not lying when you said she’s recovering at home, right?!!”  
“Otae-san, I understand your distress, but please calm down first.”  
She marched angrily to him. Eyes tearing up but burning with ferocity. “You’re hiding something from me! Who did this?!” She wailed, hitting his chest with both her fists.  
Kondo felt her rage. As much as he cherish the woman in front him, he feels the need to protect the ‘guilty party’. He can only divert his eyes away from her. For now…he’ll endure the hurt which her accusing eyes were giving him.  
Just then, two very familiar Shinsengumi officers came into the room. “We have the full report. Sit down and listen.” said the older guy with dark green hair.  
Sighed.   
Until now, she refuses to believe it. She’s tired --- physically, emotionally and mentally. She barely had any sleep and has not much appetite either. Watching over the two is draining, plus, she’s concerned with Kagura. She never visited the hospital. But then again, she doesn’t know what to feel if ever she sees her. She loved Kagura as her own sibling…but this…she looked at her beloved brother…this was too much…Kagura-chan, how could you? She wiped a tear.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-  
She stares at the doorbell, undecided if she should press it or not or ask Tama to blow up the door or Catherine to sneak in and check on that idiot of a girl. Her forehead wrinkled more as she contemplates. The food she brought has started to cool.  
Otose has tried multiple times to reach out to Kagura for a goddamn week and it’s stressing her too much. But because she’s worried sick, there she was again, on her third attempt for that day.   
I’m too old for this. All my hair’s gonna be white in no time. She blew a puff of smoke. “Why is this stupid girl all holed up instead of watching over those morons?”  
It’s been a week since she saw the China girl came home almost at dawn. She was woken up by a sound of engine outside. She was dropped by a police car. A familiar flaxen-haired guy was talking to her. A black jacket with gold linings draped over her shoulders.  
She grabbed her shawl and went outside. “Oi, stop flirting! The heck! It’s not even sunrise!”  
The young officer looked at Otose. Kagura remained still. Albeit the dim lights, she can see her dark expression. The officer walked to the old woman. “I know it’s not even morning yet but I want to inform you that Danna and Megane are in the hospital right now. They’re critical.”  
Her eyes widened. “Eh? What? Why? Oi China girl! What’s this boy saying?” But Kagura didn’t even flinch.  
“Sorry, but other details cannot be disclosed. The investigation is still on the roll. Now if you’ll excuse me.” He returned to his patrol car, had one last look on Kagura and sped off.  
Otose tapped Kagura’s shoulder, “What did you, morons, do this time and they got hospitalized?”   
Kagura was silent for a moment “I…” She tried to peek at her pale face. “I want to sleep... I’m tired” Although her voice is neither sleepy nor tired, if anything, it was sorrowful.  
That afternoon, Otose, Tama and Catherine went to the hospital. However, they were not allowed to see Gintoki and Shinpachi. She and Catherine were furious they argued with the guards. Tama was silently watching them, face nonchalant.  
Yamazaki appeared out of nowhere and giddily approached her. “Ta-Tama-san! Good afternoon!” His cheeks were red. “Wh-What brings you here?” He asked, fidgeting like a high school boy.  
“We were told that Gintoki-sama and Shinpachi-sama were here. We wanted to visit them.”   
“Eh? W-Well I think you can’t see them right now.” The Shinsengumi Chief gave an order. No visitors allowed and only Otae can stay. Although he was doubtful of the latter order, strict compliance was required.   
“And why??” Suddenly, Otose and Catherine barged at him.  
“A-anou..e-eto..it was the Chief’s order. We can’t do anything about it.” He said while flailing his hands in defense.  
“You all sound suspicious! Tell us the truth or else I will pluck out your balls, Jimmy boy!!” Catherine clawed his pants.  
Yamazaki instantly covered his front. “E-Eh! Why do you always single me out?!” He ranted while crouching in the corner. “If you want, you can talk to the older Shimura instead. She’s the only one allowed here!”   
Another puff of smoke.   
She pressed the doorbell.  
Silence.   
Again, for the past week, the same silence answered her.  
She pressed it again.   
She sighed.   
She was not sure how did she react when Otae revealed the truth of the incident.  
In those years of living with the three morons, she had witnessed their happiest, saddest and raging moments. They are family after all. They keep each other in check. She was well aware of their abilities  
and tendencies...   
Yet, what happened was totally unexpected.  
Kagura-chan almost killed them while on Yato mode.   
She remembered how Otae’s hurt and disappointed voice shot a pang in her chest. She cared deeply for those morons. She wanted to cry for Gintoki and Shinpachi. She wanted to at least see them, but she can’t. She can only rely on Otae at this moment.   
She wanted to confront Kagura, but her grief-stricken voice that time…was just……just……  
Contagious.  
So contagious it breaks her too.  
She felt the girl’s sorrow…the weight of guilt…the wave of fear…   
She wanted Kagura to seek her and cry on her arms…..just like a child to her mother.  
And she will listen to every whimper and lock her in a reassuring embrace…..just like a mother to her child.  
She wanted to convince her that…whatever happened…  
Whatever happened? What if they didn’t survive?  
She closed her eyes, trying to sort the turmoil of emotions.   
She’s been trying to reach out for a week but she doesn’t know what to say after all.   
She chuckled. Looks like I’ve been turning to an idiot as well. She sighed for the nth time. Her chest feels heavy. She could only pray for what is good.   
She placed the tray of food at the floor. “Oi China girl! I left some food here! Be a good brat and try not to starve to death!”  
Silence.   
She never imagined that a day will come when she will miss the noise and chaos of the second floor.   
She raised her head and looked up at the sky.   
Kami-sama…I want my three children back...  
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-  
Hijikata was looking at the pile of papers in front him, but his mind was elsewhere. After the incident with the Yorozuya, the atmosphere was heavy, especially when it concerns their female member. Kondo gave an order to classify the case as confidential and banned all other visitors. That is why, upon discovering that freakin’ Yamazaki let the old hag and her alien cat and robot maid to talk to Otae, he beat him up and hung him upside-down on the nearest tree available. He reinforced the order and demanded seppuku to any idiot who will do the same stupidity.  
“Toshi, Sougo, let’s do this for the Yorozuya head. I know…he will want to protect the China girl from the consequences of this incident.” Kondo said to them. They were outside Shinpachi’s room but left the door ajar. Otae was inside, assisting the nurse.   
“I don’t get you Kondo-san. It’s not like someone will avenge those two from that China monster.” Hijikata scratched the back of his head.   
“No one will. But..…it’s more of the sentimental side.” Kondo’s eyes focused inside the room. “Family matters more than anything.”  
Hijikata followed his chief’s gaze. It was directed to a worried Otae and Shinpachi. He was reminded that Kondo and Gintoki both stood as father figures. Both shared the same parental affection and both gave high regards to bonds, blood-related or not.   
To protect the Yato girl, they need to keep the case confidential, lest they expose the side of her, which, even she, loathed.   
No one, aside from Otae, can see the brutal aftermath of the incident, lest she would be arbitrated, possibly, even by those whom she held dear.  
To protect the Yato girl…is to preserve her dignity…  
Her ‘humanity’…  
Her relations…   
Because that idiot perm head, will surely do the same.   
Maybe this is how Kondo-san feels when either he or their youngest, commit a grave mistake? He’s a guy with a big heart, there’s no room for hate, only forgiveness and sense of protection.   
Speaking of the youngest, he looked at him at the corner of his eyes. Sougo was silent. He was staring down at the floor. Still as ever, he was expressionless. But he can sense his agitation by the way his foot taps the floor without rhythm.  
“Tch. In-denial brat…” he muttered.  
Sougo caught his stare. “You’re creeping me out, Hijikata-san. Can I jam my sword to your eye sockets?”  
He scanned Yamazaki’s final report of the Yorozuya incident. It took five days before the Amanto was finally identified.  
“….Ibaraki of planet Uwan…………a space criminal wanted for multiple murders and robbery in five different planets…………..eight feet, 1,760 pounds, with grayish reptile complexion, and colossal built………found dead on the spot…………..completely wrecked as seen in the photos attached…….”  
Only five planets, huh? Too bad, sixth was the last.   
“....brutally killed by Kagura, from the Yato race………..”   
“.…other victims were Sakata Gintoki and Shimura Shinpachi….………both received multiple injuries in the torso as evidenced by several deep wounds and lacerations formed in the chest and abdominal area………….a huge iron spear was found in the crime scene and was believed to be the reason for Gintoki-san’s ruptured flesh in his back near the spinal column…………both suffered several bone fractures……”  
He gritted his teeth.   
Before this incident, it would be his utmost pleasure to write an official complaint against those bastards and have their asses kicked in the name of justice.   
But now, reading their names in an actual crime report-----however, twisted by fate---- feels somewhat unsettling.   
Bestowing pardon to the offender is against his code as the Demonic Vice Chief, but this time, he couldn’t agree more to Kondo’s decision. It’s all for the common good.   
He closed his eyes, playing with the cigarette in his lips.   
Friends or foe, their bond with the Yorozuyas cannot be described in simple terms.  
They were too different and too similar at the same time.   
They clash. They unite.  
Screw the Yin and Yang.   
There was neither dark nor light side amongst them.  
There was no balance.   
They were just all…  
Aligned…   
Perfectly…  
In a singular set of principles….  
….what can produce good, PROTECT.  
….what may bring chaos, DESTROY.   
Aligned…   
Perfectly…  
In the prospect of camaraderie…  
….an eye for an eye it is…  
….but also hand in hand….  
He extinguished his cigarette in the ash tray.  
Family matters.  
He agrees. Even the demon in him nodded in approval.  
It’s all for the common good.   
And the face of a disturbed young officer flashed to his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

Sougo has had enough. That damn bastard Hijikata keeps on throwing dirty looks at him and muttering ‘in-denial brat’ under his stinky breath to whatever reason he couldn’t comprehend.  
It made him conscious. Fuck him.  
He realized that he had developed the habit of scrutinizing himself in the mirror from time to time. He still looks normal. He’s fine.  
At all times he guards himself and keeps on check each of his action, reaction and word. Nothing was strange to him. He’s completely fine.   
“Okita-Taichou!” Yamazaki rushed to him. They were inside a vacant hospital room, him sitting at the edge of the bed. “Are you alright? Any of your wounds re-opened?”  
He can’t understand why Yamazaki was chickening out that time. It’s not the first time he had seen him almost mummified with bandages and it’s been three days since the incident. “I’m fine. Do I look like dying?” He said using his steady, monotone voice.  
“I thought you’re hurting somewhere because your face is all scrunched up.” He said.  
Scrunched up?  
“It’s nothing.”  
What the hell is Zaki saying?  
“Etou, are you sure?” He noticed the genuine concern in Yamazaki’s face.  
It was making him confused. Was he making a face?   
He glared at him. “Zaki, didn’t you hear me?”  
Yamazaki sweatdropped and backed off a little. “I-If you say so, Taichou…but if somehow you’re not feeling well- - - “ He was cut off when the captain suddenly hitch his sword from the scabbard; the clanking of metal blade sending a clear warning to piss off or die. He clumsily stumbled on his way out.  
When he was out of sight, Sougo tried to release the suffocating pressure in his chest. He took a deep breath.   
Once.   
Twice.  
It was still there.  
His chest still feels heavy.  
Bullshit.  
His head started to feel heavy too.  
Kondo-san once mentioned that scowling or scrunching for too long causes wrinkles and migraine.  
Was his face really scrunched up this whole time?   
He rubbed his throbbing temples.  
He remembered Yamazaki’s concerned expression.  
Maybe.  
But he’s allowed to feel uneasy every now and then, right?   
He’s allowed to drop his nonchalance at times like this, right?  
He’s human.   
He’s got emotions too.  
He got triggered.  
Triggered by what?  
A simultaneous flash of memory: one girl with two different nature of grin; one happy, the other bloody.  
He unconsciously clenched his fist. His brows furrowed. His eyes sharpened. The pressure in his chest increased.  
At the back of his mind, he can hear that stupid nicotine-mayo-freak.  
‘Tch. In-denial brat’  
Die Hijikata.   
He rubbed his face with his palm then run it through his hair.  
It’s been a week.  
Danna and Shinpachi-kun were still unconscious. Kondo-san and that bastard Hijikata-san kept on reinforcing the restriction order. Anego seemed to become timid and too conscious around them. And China…  
That damned brat.  
He hadn’t seen her ugly mug in a week now.  
Somehow, everything fell out of place after the Yorozuya incident.  
There’s not much work to do but everyone was exhausted.  
Him included.  
He’s not sure why.  
He rubbed his temples. God, his head feels heavy and his chest feels swollen.  
He sighed.  
This feels like shit.  
He decided to drive around the district to clear his mind. He’s in patrol duty after all.  
He didn’t feel hanging out in the park right now.  
He didn’t feel spending the afternoon at his favorite bench.  
Because no one is there.  
She is not there.  
His car sped off.  
At the backseat, two yakisoba bread, two cans of orange juice, a couple of candied fruits and a pack of sukonbu were left untouched inside the plastic bag.  
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-  
Kagura has been alone in their house for a week now. She refused to talk to anyone, even to Otose who keeps on knocking and calling her out from the door. She hasn’t eaten properly for days. Her stomach grumbles every time but she lacks appetite. She knew she could have at least told Otose to stop leaving food but she doesn’t want anyone to see her pitiful state. She has few stashes of sukonbu and Gin-chan has some strawberry milk left in the fridge anyway.   
She found some money at Gin-chan’s desk drawer. She thought of going out and buying food. She contemplated for several minutes if she really wanted to. She grabbed her parasol. She almost called Sadaharu, but realized her pet was in the same predicament as Gin-chan and Shinpachi, currently nursed by the priestess sisters.  
She clenched her fist and bit her lip to suppress the tears.  
Just like that, the memory of her hands drenched with their blood flooded her mind once again.  
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  
She decided to buy sake instead.   
Her stomach growled. She ignored it. She’s not hungry, she’s grieving. She badly needed to sleep at least, so she planned to get dead drunk.  
She ended up buying ten. The shop owner questioned her legality but a death glare was all she needed to shut him up.  
Now, she’s sitting on the kitchen floor- - -ten long neck bottles of sake with her. Nine were already empty, scattered, rolling to and fro. The tenth was in her hand, still full. She’s been chugging on it for an hour now. She was flushed and teary-eyed and dizzy and tired and wretched. She wobbled when she stood up. Everything around her was spinning so she leaned on the counter for support. She looked down at her mess.   
Gin-chan and Shinpachi will be really angry if they see this.   
She chortled.   
Idiot. As if they will come home soon.   
Her tears rolled down but she did no move to wipe them.   
Gin-chan once said that people drink to forget.   
Fuckin’ hell. That was some shitty lie.   
She’s pretty sure she’s drunk but her chest is still in pain. Her vision has become blurry but not her memory. She still remembers everything with clarity.  
Every damned second of it.   
She raised the bottle to her lips and chug some more. She grimaced as she swallowed the bitter drink- - - as bitter as her pent up emotions. She set the bottle down behind her and closed her eyes momentarily.   
The bitterness seemed to solidify and clogged her air passages. Her chest was tightening. She clutched it and bent down. She can feel her eyes stinging from too much crying but she can’t help it. She hugged herself from around her chest. Digging her fingers into her own arms, trying to save her own self from breaking apart. Her sharp intakes of breath only intensified the burning sensation inside.   
For the nth time that day, she cried her heart out.  
This is her.   
Every moment.  
Everyday.   
For the past week.   
But she will endure.  
Because, it’s her fault.  
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-  
He’s not sure how he ended at that place.  
He was just trying to clear his mind.  
Really.   
But his body seemed confused too.  
Sougo was standing in front of the familiar building. His patrol car parked meters away. He’s last visit in this place was when he delivered payment to Gintoki after a mission with the Shinsengumi which was almost a month ago.  
It was already late at night but Snack Otose was still lively and packed with noisy chattering.   
On the contrary, the floor atop it was silent and dark. He can barely read the signage “Yorozuya Gin-chan” hanging on the balcony.   
It felt different. At least for him.   
The door of the bar slid open and out came Otose dragging a drunk customer outside and cursing him for paying below the bill. The customer scampered away. When she calmed down, she finally noticed Sougo. She squinted her eyes, expecting him to speak up first.   
He didn’t actually know what to do or say so he showed his badge. She rolled her eyes. “Your uniform states the obvious and I remember who you are, boy. Does it look like I have an Alzheimer’s?”  
He ignored her sarcastic remark and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. “I’m here for China.”  
Otose looked sharply at him. “Why?”   
Why?   
It sounded more like a rhetorical question.  
Why?  
Suddenly, he felt uncertain. “The case…” His eyes became unfocused.   
‘Tch. In-denial brat.’  
He gritted his teeth. Damn you Hijikata-san.  
Otose quirked an eyebrow.  
He cleared his throat. “I’m here to update China about the case, she’s considered an immediate family.”  
“Really? At this hour?”  
Shit.   
No way he’s gonna let himself get caught at his own stupidity.  
“It’s an official business. As the Captain of the squad handling the case, I’ll be held liable to whatever consequences that may happen due to an untimely dispatch of information. I hope you understand.” He praised himself for his quick thinking. What he said was not entirely a lie.  
Otose straightened herself and crossed her arms. Her eyes narrowed as she scrutinize him- - - his features, posture and expression. A fine man, I must say. But like Gintoki, she’s not a fan of the police. Moreover, it sounds improper to leave a guy alone with a young girl in the dead of the night. To hell with his title and official business crap, this moron is still from the opposite gender.   
However, she hasn’t checked on Kagura since this afternoon due to a sudden flood of customers. Maybe I can let him just this time? After all, she noticed that aside from Gintoki and Shinpachi, Kagura is somehow attached to this guy. Or was it……the other way around? Or both of them?   
She grunted.  
“You……..I have to tell you that Kagura refuses to see anyone…..even me.” Her eyes saddened at the last part. “The girl’s been rotting inside their house for a week now.” She pursed her lips. “If ever…. she opened the door for you…” there was hesitation in her voice but she looked at him firmly, “…knock some sense on that stupid alien girl, will you?”  
“Sure, I will.” He replied with his face unchanged.  
She acknowledged him with a nod and went back inside.   
He climbed the stairs and stopped in front of the door.  
He pressed the doorbell. No answer. And again. Still none. Last one. Silence.  
He’s tired and his patience is really thin nowadays and if that idiot is not willing to open the goddamn door, he’ll charge in and break it and might as well break her ugly face too. He grabbed the handle but was surprised that it wasn’t locked at all. He slid it open, it was dark inside so his senses heightened, eyes moving around for any sign of life.   
None.   
Where the hell is that idiot?   
He noticed a light coming from the end of the corridor. It was the kitchen.   
He saw China.   
Behind the table, leaning on the counter, a bottle of sake in her hand. Piles of empty milk cartons and bottles on the floor.  
He examined her appearance.  
Her eyes were closed; cheeks wet with tears; body swaying in an unsteady rhythm and totally oblivious of his presence.   
“You look like shit.”  
She froze. Her eyes shot open. She may be drunk but that voice is unmistakable. She glared at him. He glared back.  
Hazy blue against heated scarlet.  
“Who told you to come in?” she scowled.  
“I need no permission China, this is police business, and besides you left the door unlocked, you stupid girl.” He walked towards her and leaned on the table, facing her directly. He crossed his arms on his chest. They stared at each other for a minute, both clueless to what they should speak about.  
Kagura chugged at her bottle. He watched her. After an audible gulp, she extended her arm to him, holding up the bottle to his face. “Want some?” her voice was raspy. He smirked. He took the bottle from her hand and drank, not breaking their eye contact. She smirked back. “What’s up, Sadist? Looks like you missed me so you paid a visit, yes?” Her eyes were puffy and red, obviously from crying.   
He snickered. “Dream on China. You contributed a lot to Edo just by hibernating here. It was so peaceful outside, you should’ve done this from the very start.”  
She giggled, took the bottle from his hand and drank. “How are they?” she bent her head down, staring at the bottle then traced the lid with her finger. She can feel her chest tightening again, but she has to hold back the tears. She doesn’t want to cry in front of him.  
“They are both still unconscious. Shinpachi-kun is recovering a bit slowly. Danna’s condition, well….” He trailed off and she looked at him, eyes worried but hopeful. “He’s still unstable but the doctor said he’s reacting positively to medications.”  
Her shoulders dropped. “That’s…….good…I guess.” She bit her lip and looked away.   
He asked for the sake and she meekly obliged. It was almost empty, so he drank it all. China surely had enough of it, judging based on the number of bottles on the floor. Did she really drink all that? He eyed her from head to foot.   
She lost weight.   
Her skin looks paler.  
She has dark circles under her eyes.  
Her hair was down and unkempt.  
She definitely looks like shit.   
“What have you been up to China? You never showed up in the hospital.”  
She let out a small smile but the pain in her eyes is evident.   
It bothered him. He isn’t used to see her like this.   
“How can I show my face to everyone? To Anego? After what I did to Shinpachi? What would I say to everyone? That I didn’t mean to almost kill them because I lost my shit during a fight, yes? What would they think of me?” She met his eyes.  
Her gaze was no longer sharp unlike before, nonetheless it pierced him. His chest swollen once more.  
“Sadist…I’m….scared.” Tears finally escaped and she brought her hands to her face to cover them. “This is entirely my fault because I’m a monster!” She dropped to the floor and broke down.  
He watched her face as she wept in despair. He remembered her bloody grin while in Yato mode. He couldn’t decide which was more unbearable to look at.   
He placed the empty bottle on the table and kneeled down in front of her. His eyes softened. He’s not good at consoling anyone, he doesn’t know what words to use. So he gingerly placed his hand on her shoulder hoping she will feel his sympathy.  
When Kagura felt his hand, she raised her head and threw herself unto him. Albeit surprised, his arms wrapped around her instinctively. She clutched his shirt and buried her face in his neck as tears continued to burst. He buried his nose on her hair. She sobbed uncontrollably. He can’t understand but it seemed like the pressure in his chest had transferred to his arms that he was able to tightened his hold to her that much. She was warm. He closed his eyes. His mind clearing amidst the sound of her cries.  
Strange, how he felt at ease in such a depressing moment.   
-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-  
Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
His body is numb. He can’t move.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
His throat is too dry. He can’t even grunt.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
He tried his best to at least move a finger.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
The lights are too bright even behind his eyelids. He furrowed his brows.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
Beep.  
He cracked an eye open.  
“Shin-chan!!”


	4. Chapter 4

-Chapter 4-

It was seven in the morning.   
Sougo woke up, feeling his hands and feet cold. The air is a bit chilly that morning. A sign that winter is approaching. He had slept on the couch at the Yorozuya’s office, coats off, blanket- -none.   
Silence was all around him.  
He stared at the ceiling, feeling too lazy to get up. The calmness of the morning makes him drowsy again.  
He closed his eyes and covered them with his forearm. He was at the peak of being asleep when a buzzing sound startled him. He glanced at the center table. His phone was vibrating.   
That bastard.   
He ignored it and closed his eyes again. The vibrating stopped. A short beeped followed, but Sougo was already in dreamland.  
In his dream, Kagura was looking at him with such solemnness then turned to walk away. Her long vermillion hair trailing off as she moves. He called her out but she just kept on walking. He chased after her but couldn’t catch up. Everything went black in an instant. She disappeared. He stopped running and turned his head everywhere but there was nothing but darkness. Suddenly, there was an explosion. The fire and smoke engulfed the whole abyss and him before he could even shout.   
His eyes shot open.   
Beads of sweat trickled his forehead.   
His heart was beating fast.  
He took a deep breath to calm his nerves.  
Tsk.   
He heard a moan.  
The sound roused every fiber of his body. He almost shuddered.  
He peeked at the corner of his eyes.   
China was sleeping on the couch at the opposite side, his Shinsengumi coat wrapped around her. She was making soft and feminine hums in her slumber.   
He clenched his jaw as he felt the twist and turn of his stomach.  
Self-control.  
He turned to his side to reach for his phone atop the center table. The screen flashed a message from Hijikata.   
Megane is awake.  
He stared at it for a minute, contemplating if he would reply or not.   
It is Hijikata-san, so no.  
He idly placed his phone back on the table. Without having anything to do, he decided to watch China.  
She was lying in a fetal position, allowing him to have a good look of her sleeping face. The slits of her dress reveal so much of her skin. China was an ugly pig- - - and yet, he struggled to keep his eyes on her face alone.  
He folded his arm and used it as a make-shift pillow.   
Even in her sleep, she looked distressed. Her moans almost sounded like whimpers.   
His mind drifted back to last night- - how she looked as she drowned herself in sake and misery.   
Never did he imagine her like that.   
She cried so much as he locked her in his arms.  
Never did he imagine that he will hold her like that.  
In the first place, he never imagined ending his patrol at the Yorozuya’s.   
But then again, that was his body acting on its own due to confusion.   
They are rivals.  
Nothing more.  
More…  
‘Tch, in-denial brat’  
He sighed. The cold air infiltrated his lungs.  
He finally got up and stretched out his arms. He felt thirsty. He walked to the kitchen to get some water.  
China’s mess on the floor remained. It irked his obsessive-compulsive side. He scratched his head and tiptoed his way to the fridge. Luckily there was a pitcher of water available. He drank directly on it. He eyed the scattered bottles and milk carton boxes on the floor and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t take the view. He crouched down and picked it up one by one. He disposed the carton boxes at the trash bin then collected the bottles.   
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine..  
Where’s the last one?  
He was sure there were ten bottles last night.  
Tsk.  
He gathered all bottles in his arms, stood up and turned to the table.  
Oh.  
There’s the tenth bottle.  
He set down all nine bottles and looked at the tenth.  
He stared at it as if it was looking back at him.  
China and him shared the sake on that bottle last night.  
On that bottle.  
His eyes narrowed.   
On that lid.  
His and her mouth.  
His mind flashed a quite unnecessary image.  
Of him and her  
and their mouths.  
He gulped.  
All of a sudden, it became awfully hot.  
He needed a quick shower.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
Otose was infuriated.  
With her arms crossed and her foot briskly tapping on the ground, she glared at the patrol car which was still parked a few meters away. Obviously, it was unmoved.  
Looks like some moron cannot differentiate an official business and an overnight visit.   
Her eye twitched in inexplicable annoyance.  
She marched up the stairs slowly as she recomposed herself to properly confront a moronic officer, or a moronic alien girl, or both, just to be fair.  
When she reached the door, she took a deep breath before pressing the doorbell.  
Silence.  
She pursed her lips. One of them must be awake by now, right?  
She pressed it again.  
Silence.  
She gritted her teeth. She hit the doorbell nonstop out of irritation.  
The door slid open.  
Her eyes and mouth opened wide in shock. Her index finger frozen halfway to the doorbell.  
At the door stands the young officer   
topless  
with a towel draped over his wet hair.  
His bare chest gleaming with droplets of water.   
He was looking at her innocently.  
Otose jerked her head to peek inside the Yorozuya’s office.   
Kagura was on the couch   
fast asleep,   
a black coat over her torso,   
legs bare and exposed.  
Her eyes bulged.  
Several inappropriate images flashed in her head as her eyes shifted from the topless officer to the sleeping Kagura and back to the officer again.  
Sougo realized what was running to the old hag’s mind. “It’s not what you think.” He turned his back and walked inside before the old hag could notice an unusual color in his face. He rubbed the towel in his hair to distract himself from any kind of stimulating thoughts.   
Otose stamped towards him and accusingly pointed a finger. “What do you mean ‘it’s not what I think, you pervert! I told you to knock some sense on her, not to knock her up last night!” she yelled on his shoulder.   
Sougo was getting annoyed. It’s too early for a bickering old woman. He gritted his teeth to stop himself from shouting back.   
He took his shirt and ignored Otose. “I am not some kind of a sneaky bastard. Nothing happened between us. It’s not my fault if you barged in here right after I shower and while China is sleeping like a slug in the couch. She was dead drunk last night.” He said as he buttoned his shirt upwards.   
“Drunk?” Otose’s voice turned from pissed to worried. “Kagura’s….been drinking?” She turned her eyes to the sleeping girl.  
Kagura’s forehead was creased and her lashes are damp. Her breathing was shallow and quick as if something was obstructing the flow of air in her lungs.  
Otose sat on the center table and leaned down towards Kagura.   
Her eyes softened. “I…didn’t know…”   
She touched her pale cheek then run her fingers through her vermillion locks.   
After a week of futile attempts, she has finally seen the girl face to face. She couldn’t help but feel pity and pain as she looked at her.  
So fragile. So vulnerable. So different from the Kagura she knew.   
Sougo finished dressing up and sat at the other couch, watching their moment. “She’s been drinking when I came last night. I only stayed because she was crying terribly and was not letting go of me until she fell asleep.”   
Otose kept on combing Kagura’s hair with her fingers. “Is that so? She’s such a pain in the ass.”   
He didn’t comment and continued to watch them.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
Kagura woke up at the warm feeling of someone’s touch. She slowly opened her eyes. Everything was blurry but she can perceive two people with her. She rubbed her eyes and tried blink the drowsiness away.   
“Gin-chan? Shinpachi? Is that you?”  
Her eyes finally adjusted and she focused her vision on the person sitting in front of her.  
It was Otose.  
Her eyes widen. She felt like a pale of cold water was splashed onto her. Her heart pounded. She jolted up and backed away from the old woman. Her knuckles getting white from her tight grip at the head of the couch.  
“B-Baba?”  
Otose’s eyes turned from soft to angry.  
“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’VE BEEN DOING HIDING YOUR SORRY ASS ALL THIS TIME KAGURA??!!” Her wrinkles worsen as she glowered at her.  
“I-I…” Her whole system was in shock. Her entire body cannot cope up yet with her thundering voice after spending a week in silence and isolation. She turned her eyes to the other person. It was Sadist. He was looking at her indifferently, obviously without any intention to meddle. She turned back to Otose.  
“I-I…” She kept on moving away as Otose stood up and outstretched an arm.  
Otose’s eyes were hateful.  
She knew it.  
That approaching hand will slap her for what she did to Gin-chan and Shinpachi.  
She knew it.  
Otose despises her. Everyone will. She’s a cold-blooded monster after all.   
She shut her eyes as she waited for the stinging impact on her cheek.  
Otose might have been waiting for this moment to confront her and- - -!   
Pat.  
She felt a hand on her head.  
“You idiot!! You reek alcohol! You look like shit! A blooming lady should not be like that!!”  
Otose tousled her hair.  
“Get your ass moving! Take a bath while I prepare breakfast! And you, boy…!” She sent a bone-chilling glare to Sougo. All his hair stood up. “Stay with me downstairs while she fixes herself!!” Sougo nodded automatically.   
Kagura was frozen. She cannot understand anything but she wanted to cry.  
Otose was not mad at her.  
It was just paranoia.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
“Hijikata-san said that Megane has awaken.” Sougo finally broke the news before taking a bite of his omelet.   
Both Otose and Kagura stiffened.  
Otose’s face lightened up as his words registered to her. “Did he? When? How is he? Can we see him now?” She asked, taking steps closer to Sougo with each question.  
“I only received the news this morning. I’ll go to the hospital after this. Not sure if you can come though.” He said as he chewed on his food slowly.  
She slammed her hands on the countertop. “What’s the point of hiding them from us when we know the truth of the incident?!”   
Sougo swallowed his food and didn’t answer. He glanced at Kagura sitting one stool away from him.  
Otose followed his eyes and cuffed her mouth when she realized it.  
Kagura was silent. Her eyes hidden under her bangs, chopsticks and breakfast untouched.  
The old woman couldn’t come up with anything to say after her sudden bluster. She sighed. She grabbed a pitcher behind her and poured Kagura’s glass. “Sorry, that was insensitive of me.”  
“China, do you want to come with me?” Sougo said as he kept his gaze on her.   
He wanted to read her expression but she kept her head low, eyes hidden.   
It’s an upsetting view.  
Her eyes used to radiate every emotion she has and he likes the way he can see right through them.   
But now…  
Kagura lifted her head and met his eyes. Just like last night, her eyes were no longer sharp, but it pierced him. Uncomfortably deep. It bothered him more knowing she was now sober. She averted her gaze. “… I’ll just stay here, yes?”  
“Why is that?” Otose asked, although she could guess why.  
“Because…” She clasped her hands together as she struggled to speak. “I’m scared.”  
Sougo and Otose sensed her discomfort and fear. Her shoulders were tensed. She was biting her lip. She was trying hard to control her quivering by clasping her hands tighter.   
They decided not to press on the matter and finished their breakfast in silence.   
“I should be going now; I have to report to that bastard. Thanks for the meal.” He stood, slung his coat in his shoulder and exited Snack Otose.  
Otose stared at his retreating form.  
For a week, she prayed for what is good.  
Then that moron appeared last night.  
Her lips curved to a smile.  
She gave him an imaginary pat on the back for successfully hauling Kagura out of the house.  
“I’ll go back upstairs. Thanks for the meal.” Kagura timidly said as she stood up from the stool. Her food barely eaten.  
“Are you going to lock yourself again?” Otose lit a cigarette. Her lightened mood changed at the girl’s negative vibe.   
Kagura halted on her steps.  
“What are you scared of?” She blew a smoke.  
The girl stayed silent.  
“You’re thinking that they despise you now, is that right?”  
“They will.” she muttered. “They will despise me and fear me. They won’t look at me the same way anymore, yes? They will turn their backs on me eventually.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. The heaviness in her chest was coming back.  
“So you will turn your back on them instead, is that it?” Otose watched the ash fell from the tip of her cigarette.  
Kagura bit her lip.  
“What kind of phony relationship do you suppose we have here? One that breaks after a small incident?”  
“It’s not a small incident!!” Kagura shouted in frustration. Her tears falling. “I almost killed them, yes? And not just kill them, slaughter the hell out of them!!” She clenched her fist so tight her nails dig in her palms.  
“You didn’t, Kagura.” Otose said, still calm despite the girl’s outburst.  
“That’s not the point!!”  
“WHAT POINT DO YOU EVEN WANT TO HEAR?! Will it matter now? Will it change anything?! Will it help you deal with the suffering?! Will it help those two to recover quickly?! We cannot undo the damage, Kagura, but we can still fix this! Would you rather lose this family rather than regain it??!!”  
“But I can’t face them now, yes? They’ll see me as a monster!!”  
“Who the hell called you and treated you as one??!! What you did may be unforgivable but you’re not a monster!! Do you think I’ll stay around you if I see you as a monster?? Do you think that officer will stay with you overnight if he sees you as one?! Do you really think Gintoki and Shinpachi will think of you like that??!!”  
Confusion added to misery. It was too much for her. She wailed.   
Otose was both right and wrong. She got the point but her heart and mind clashed. She was in despair but hopeful at the same time. She’s in pain but somehow relieved. She can believe Otose but not her own heart.  
She cried as loud as she can, like a little girl lost in nowhere.  
Otose walked to her and embraced her. “We are a family, Kagura. In here, anyone’s mess will be served in a platter for everyone to share. And each of us will wholeheartedly take a portion no matter how bitter, how salty, how sour that is. We’ll finish it all up together.” She said as she smoothened her hair at the back of her head  
Kagura cried harder at her arms. Otose rested her cheek atop her head.  
“You are not a monster; you are our Kagura.”  
They stayed in that moment for a long time until her crying ceased.  
The sight of a mother and child.  
A prayer granted.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
After a week of bitter-cold misery, she felt warmth.   
She smiled, genuine and soft.  
Her chest feels swollen but this time, with relief.  
Her breathing was steady, the air could finally reach the bottom of her lungs.   
Otose’s embrace felt like her Mami’s; warm and reassuring.   
She felt lighter and better afterwards.   
She was also convinced to see Shinpachi at the hospital.  
She was a bit confident. She can face Anego and Shinpachi now.  
She bought some flowers along the way. To make it more personal she sneaked inside the Shimura’s house to take some Otsuu-chan’s CDs and Shinpachi’s music player.  
She sauntered down the hallway to Shinpachi’s room.  
There were a lot of Otsuu-chan’s posters plastered on his wall. What an otaku. She chuckled.  
Her eyes roamed in search of his CD collections. She found them at the top of his book shelf, neatly arranged along with three picture frames.  
Her eyes fell on the pictures.   
There was a solo shot of him with an Otsuu standee; a picture of him and Anego; and their picture with Gin-chan and Sadaharu. Her eyes softened. She yearns to be with them again.  
‘We are a family.’  
‘You are not a monster; you are our Kagura.’  
Otose’s words echoed in her head.   
She smiled.  
She can fix this.  
They can fix this.  
The Yorozuya family is unbreakable.  
She grabbed the CDs and the music player then ran off outside.  
She was smiling brightly and her eyes sparkled with hope.  
The end of this darkness is nearing.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
“I don’t know if I can face Kagura-chan, now. I’m kind of……scared. I saw her already in Yato mode but, not a monster like that.”  
Shinpachi’s voice was low but the words were sharp.   
It stabbed her endlessly- - -deeper in every hit.   
She felt it slice her up from chest to head.   
And she was back to square one.  
The pain.  
The heavy breathing.   
The heart burning.   
The lungs swelling.   
The veins throbbing.  
We are a family.  
You are not a monster; you are our Kagura.  
We are a fami……  
You are not a mons…...  
We are …..  
You are not a …….  
W..…..  
Yo …….  
Otose’s words vanished slowly.   
They were replaced by Shinpachi’s words.  
…a monster like that…  
Monster.  
She didn’t even need to step inside the room to hear their conversation.   
She was standing frozen at the hallway. One hand holding the flowers and the other with Otsuu’s CDs and the music player.   
She felt numb.  
Anego was standing beside Shinpachi’s bed, looking at him with eyes that Kagura feared to see.  
The Shinsengumi trio were standing at the foot of the bed with downcast expressions in their faces.  
Anego turned to face the officers but caught a glimpse of red standing at the door. “Ka-Kagura…chan?” Her face was pure dread.  
All of them turned to face the door and the same dread appeared in their faces- -more so, in Shinpachi’s.   
Kagura entered the room hesitantly, not meeting any of their eyes. She put the flowers, the CDs and the music player on the nearest table and turned to Shinpachi. She kept the distance. A long distance.  
…a monster like that…  
She swallowed hard to fight back the tears before she spoke. “Shinpachi, Anego…….I’m so sorry…” she bowed her head. Her hands clenched.   
Everyone was silent.  
When she straightened herself, she ran off.  
“Kag- - - !” Shinpachi attempted to sit up but the haste movement re-opened a wound and he bled.  
“Shin-chan! No!” Otae panicked.   
“Toshi! Quick! Call for a nurse!” Kondo yelled and Hijikata dashed outside.   
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster!  
The words keep ringing in her ears. She slapped herself many times but it was still there- - - like a broken record which gets louder and louder.  
She doesn’t know where she is. Doesn’t know where to go. But she didn’t stop running.  
She tripped and fell hard. Her right temple wounded and bled, it streamed down her face.  
She got up and continued to run.  
Away.  
To nowhere.  
‘You are not a monster; you are our Kagura.’  
Otose lied.  
Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster!  
She should’ve stayed locked up in their house.  
Or better yet, leave.  
Everyone.  
Everything.  
There’s nothing here for her now.  
She kept on running. Her eyes focused on nothing. Her legs screaming in pain and fatigue.  
Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster! Monster!  
She bit her lip. Her eyes were blurry with tears.  
She can’t breathe. In exhaustion and in pain.  
She was choking...  
A hand grabbed her wrist and forced her to turn around.  
It was Sadist.  
“Where the hell do you think you’re going, you idiot?!!”  
Her eyes are wide opened and she was panting heavily.  
She wasn’t responding to him.  
“Oi China!!”  
Her knees buckled and she fell on the ground.  
Sadist caught her in his arms.  
She was still not responding. Her eyes bore to him, wide but lifeless.  
“China, can you hear me? Or has your stupid brain stopped functioning??”  
He was taken aback when her fists hit him weakly in the chest.  
“Sadist” her tears trailed down her face.  
“Sadist” she hit his chest again, weaker than the first one.   
“Sadist…”  
“O-Oi!” He was starting to become anxious of her expression.  
She started to gasp for air.  
“China?! China?!” He grabbed her shoulders and shook her aggressively.  
“CHINA!!!”  
She was brought back to senses.  
She looked at him with eyes of horror. His chest swelled and wanted to burst. Dammit.   
She leaned forward and rested her forehead on his chest. Her hands slid around him and rested on his back.  
He heard her sobbed.  
“Shinpachi….called me a monster, yes?……Sadist are you not afraid of me?” She asked while her tears kept on falling.  
He adjusted their position and pulled her closer. He placed one hand at the back of her head and the other behind her shoulder.  
“I already knew you’re a gorilla monster from the very beginning. How is that different from how Megane sees you?” He tried his best to sound calm and nonchalant as possible. It was rather difficult at the moment.   
“What if…..I lose my mind again…..and tried to kill you too?”  
“You can’t kill me China. I’ll make sure I kill you first.”  
“Then……you can kill me now, yes?”  
He felt her hand slid down to his side to grab the hilt of his sword.   
He swiftly caught her hand.  
“Stop it, you idiot. I don’t feel like killing you in that state.”  
“But I want to die now, yes?”  
“At least say farewell to Danna when he wakes up. I’ll gladly set up your funeral again.”  
“Sadist, what if Gin-chan never wakes up?”  
“You really think you can kill him off like that?”  
She fell silent.  
He slid his hand up to her arm and back behind her shoulder.  
A few minutes more and her breathing steadied. He can feel her muscles relax.  
“Have you calmed down?” He was surprised at the softness in his own voice.  
She nodded and pulled back from their embrace.  
Sadist traced the cut in her right temple with his thumb and wiped off the remaining blood in her cheek with the back of his hand.  
“Let’s head back to the hospital.” He stood and pulled her up with him. He was holding her wrist and was not letting go.  
He started to walk but realized she wasn’t moving. He looked at her and she looked at him. Her teary eyes hold so much anxiety, it made him uncomfortable.   
He sighed.   
“Alright, I’ll drive you home.”  
Home.   
Kagura bit her lip.  
Where is home now?


	5. Chapter 5

-Chapter 5-

They were silent.  
Everything felt gloomy.   
Even the fresh flowers that have been transferred in the vase bowed in sadness.   
Some of the petals have fallen already.  
The room was well-lit.   
The sky was bright.  
But there was blackness   
and it was consuming Shinpachi  
more than the pain of his physical wounds.   
No words were spoken after their earlier encounter with Kagura.  
His wounds were treated and patched up again.  
His Aneue was sitting near the bed.  
Her downcast face telling him that she was in the same ordeal.  
He saw her stood up and walked to the table.  
“Shin-chan, would you like to listen to Otsuu-chan’s CDs?”  
He smiled and nodded.  
His Aneue carefully placed the headset in his ears and the music player beside him.  
The CD played his favorite.

Chome chome!  
Chome chome!  
Chome chome!  
Chome chome!  
Chome-Chome sore  
Wa kiken na invitation  
Chome-chome sore wa  
Suteki na intonation Ah Ah~

The upbeat tune failed to lighten his mood.  
He was drowned in his thoughts.  
Pieces of memories were replaying in his mind.  
He was calling out to her, begging her to stop attacking Ibaraki because he could see it…..she was losing herself again……like she did during her fight with Abuto-san…..  
He can see the expression of her face changing into something maniacal…..something devilish….  
He was scared.  
Kagura-chan seemed unreachable at her current state.  
His horrified eyes turned to Gin-san. With knees shaking in fear and in pain, he ran to him and pulled out the spear on his back.  
“Gin-san! Gin-san!”  
Gin-san stirred and coughed blood. “Shin…..pa…chi…”  
“Please pull yourself together! We needed to get out of here!” He said, panicking, as he slung Gin-san’s arms to his shoulder.  
“K-Ka…gura? Where’s….Kagura?” Gin-san managed to utter the words despite the crucial hit on his chest.  
Shinpachi looked for Kagura. She was towering over the enemy. He saw her crushed Ibaraki’s throat with his foot and blood splattered on her face…….on her terrifying grinning face.   
“She’s….” He cannot describe something so savage.  
Gin-san lifted his head and witnessed the sight himself.   
It was bloody.  
All bloody.  
And Kagura was standing in the middle of it.  
“That can’t be our Kagura.”  
Gin-san mustered all his remaining strength to run and wake her up with a powerful kick.  
“KAGURAAAAAA!” He shouted with all his might. He attacked her in hopes that beating her up can bring her back to senses. “WAKE UP! GET A GRIP! I’M NOT DEAD!”  
Shinpachi was frozen in spot as he watched them fight.   
There should be another way to bring her back.   
But at that moment he couldn’t think of any.   
He looked at Sadaharu, he was bleeding as well---but his eyes showed persistence.  
Shinpachi nodded at him and they both joined Gin-san in the fight.  
He was sure they can bring her back.   
“KAGURA-CHAN! PLEASE COME BACK TO US!”  
He saw her grinned wider.  
Her eyes casted death.  
His last memory of her was all  
black  
and   
red.  
******  
When he opened his eyes, he heard his Aneue’s panicking voice.   
A group of white-dressed people came to him.  
“Shimura-san? Shimura-san?”  
It was the doctor, perhaps.  
He was kinda dizzy.   
The lights were blinding him. His forehead wrinkled as he shut his eyes again.  
“Shimura-san, you hear me?”  
He wanted to answer but his throat was too dry. He opened his mouth to at least give a clue that he needed water. Fortunately, the doctor got the message and asked the nurse to hand over a squeeze bottle. He put the tube on Shinpachi’s mouth and squeezed it to push the water up.   
The fluid smoothly trailed down his throat and eased up his discomfort. The doctor pulled out the tube and Shinpachi pressed his lips together to moisten them with the remaining droplets. He took a deep breath but struggled to do so.  
“Shin-chan! Shin-chan!”   
Aneue…  
He felt her warm hand caressed his cheek. He tried to open his eyes again but felt too weak, so he forced a small smile to assure her he was okay.  
“The nurses will check on him. Please give them way.”   
The doctor said and he felt her hand hesitantly withdrawing.  
One nurse assessed him from head to toe, as well as the equipment and wires. The other held a pen and a pad to record the digits indicating his vitals.  
He just woke up but he still felt tired. His consciousness drifting on and off and the last thing he saw was his Aneue talking to the doctor, she was teary-eyed but smiling. He dozed off once more.  
The next time he opened his eyes, he saw the Shinsegumi officers at the foot of his bed. His sister was seated beside him with a lighter expression on her face.   
“Yo! Shinpachi-kun! I’m glad you’re back!” Kondo cheerfully greeted him with his usual grin.  
Hijikata-san nodded and Okita-san just stared at him.  
He noticed that his room was different from the last time.   
Larger and more breathable if anyone would ask.   
“Shin-chan would you like some water?” Otae raised a glass to level Shinpachi’s eyes.  
He nodded. She gently tilted the glass on his lips.  
“I am very much relieved to see you awake now, Shinpachi-kun. We were all so worried. Otae-san has been in so much distress. At least for now, we have one less worry.” Kondo forced a smile and gave a thumbs up.  
“Thank you for watching over me Aneue, and to you Kondo-san, Hijikata-san and Okita-san for helping her.” Shinpachi said. He was feeling better than last time, although he felt sluggish perhaps due to pain reliever shots.  
“Don’t mention it. We’re just doing our job.” Hijikata shrugged. His eyes as serious as ever.  
“But you’ve done more than what was required of your job and we truly appreciate it.” Otae said smiling at them.  
And there was silence.  
Each of them wanted to ask the real questions.  
But neither of them has the guts to raise it.  
“How is Gin-san?” Shinpachi finally spoke. His voice cracked as unwanted memories invaded his mind.  
The atmosphere became heavy and no one dared to speak up first.  
“He’s…” Otae struggled to find the words to say. “He’s getting better. His vitals are more stable than the first few days.” She held Shinpachi’s hand to assure him.  
“That’s true. The doctor said it might take a while before he wakes up but he’s definitely recovering.” Kondo said. His face was serious but there was a hint of worry in his tone.  
“Don’t worry. That guy cannot be killed off easily. You, of all people, should know that.” Hijikata added when he noticed the doubt in Shinpachi’s face.  
Shinpachi smiled.  
Just one more question…  
Just one more person…  
But the dreadful memories tried to prevent him from speaking her name.   
He clenched his fist.  
“How is…….Kagura….chan?”  
He bit his lip.  
He tried to push it at the back of his mind.  
The memory…the blood….the pain….  
Unconsciously, his tears fell.  
Fear…  
Concern…  
Disappointment….  
Nobody answered.   
His sobs disrupt the silence of the room.  
“We tried to stop her. I tried to help Gin-san. But I’m such a weakling! This is the second time I couldn’t save Kagura-chan from losing herself. I wish I was stronger. I thought I was stronger.” He said in muffled voices. He covered his face with his arm to hide his embarrassing façade.   
“Shin-chan…” Otae patted his shoulder then placed her hand on his head.  
“Aneue, why am I so weak? Why can’t I be strong as everyone else? What kind of samurai am I? I couldn’t protect anyone at all.”  
Each sob threatened to re-open his cuts. But he can’t help it. The emotions were too much to contain.   
“Shinpachi-kun, there is no such thing as a weak samurai. You did your best to protect the both of them. You fought with courage; you are a true warrior. Nobody can prevent what had happened. What’s done is done. The real test of strength is how you will handle the aftermath.” Kondo said with an expression he rarely used to exude influence and authority. “Stand back up, young man, face anything with the same courage and compassion. Yorozuya needs you. The China girl needs you.”  
“Courage, you say? I don’t know….” He said, the last line almost inaudible. “I hate to admit this but….” He clenched his fist tighter. “I don’t know if I can face Kagura-chan, now. I’m kind of……scared. I saw her already in Yato mode but, not a monster like that.”  
“Ka…Kagura-chan?”  
His body went numb at the mention of her name.  
Indeed, she was there.  
And she heard him.  
He lost track of the song that was playing.  
He lost track of his emotions as well.  
His chest ached every time he remembered Kagura’s painful expression after he spoke those words.  
…a monster like that…  
It broke her.  
It broke him.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

It was around night time when they arrived at their destination.  
Sougo stopped the car in front of Snack Otose. As usual, it was packed and noisy.   
He looked at Kagura. She was silent the whole trip.  
“Oi, how long are you going to sit there. Get off now, brat.”  
She stirred and turned her eyes at the closed doors of the bar, staring at the dancing silhouettes of merry drunkards.  
Her atmosphere was so melancholic.   
Honestly, he was getting tired of this China. This sulking and depressed version is making him restless for unknown reason.  
‘Tch, in-denial brat.’  
Fuckin’ Hijikata was still messing up with his mind.   
He really needed to kill him.  
He gritted his teeth as his blood boiled.  
He was itching to fight.  
If only his companion was the same loud and stubborn brat, he’ll have an outlet.   
He looked at her at the corner of his eyes.  
Is this still China?  
He’s not even sure if he’s not sure.  
He wanted proof.   
He wanted to see something familiar just to assure him that it was really her.   
An idea popped into his mind, but he gotta rephrase it just to make it less awkward.   
He leaned back on his seat and stared on afar, putting his best nonchalant expression.   
“I’m craving for some ramen. Wanna tag along?”   
Kagura stared at him questioningly, smirked then teased him. “Are you asking me out on a date, Sadist Chihuahua?”  
“As if. I’m just hungry and you’re not moving your sorry ass off my car. And if I asked you to tag along, that’s just me being a gentleman to a pig. Nothing more.”  
“Gentleman my ass!” She huffed as she crossed her arms in her chest and jutted her chin. “I’m fine. I’m not hungry.”  
Her stomach growled loudly.  
Sougo looked at her.  
She held her pose.  
Another growl.  
She pursed her lips.  
Sougo smacked her in the head.  
“Your stomach cannot even keep up with your ego.”  
“I said I’m not hungry!”  
Sougo started the engine.  
“Then watch me eat. I’ll watch you drool.”  
“Try all you want but I have no appetite!”  
But the beefy aroma did make her drool and crave. The effect of a weeklong food deprivation was hitting her hard right now as Sougo slurped the firm noodles.   
He looked at her menacingly as he bit a slice of meat. “What are you looking at China? Thought you’re not hungry?”  
She huffed and looked away. Sougo smirked. “Oyaji, another order please.”  
She thought he was ordering for her and looked at him in disbelief.  
The ramen guy handed the bowl to Sougo and he looked at her with a smug. “This is for me too, China. You can die in starvation over there.”  
“Bastard.” She pouted.  
Sougo picked another slice of meat and chewed it dramatically. “Ah! As usual, the ramen here is the best in Kabukichou. Too bad some pig I know is too much of a tsundere to accept this gracious bowl.”  
Her stomach growled again. She gritted her teeth.  
Another slice was halfway to Sougo’s mouth when she grabbed his wrist, leaned towards him and snatched the meat.  
Her expression lightened as she chewed.  
“It’s delicious!”  
Her face was just under his chin so he had to look away.  
“Damn you! Taking someone else’s food without permission. You’re really a pig, China.”  
“It’s your fault for provoking me. Now I’ll take this!” Kagura said and she dragged the bowl towards her and took his chopsticks.  
Sougo eyed the chopsticks.  
His chopsticks.  
China put his chopsticks on her mouth.  
Damn.  
Is this some sort of déjà vu?  
“What are you looking at? This is mine now, Sadist!” She said while chewing.  
“You can literally shove it on your throat and I will not give a damn, Miss Piggy.”  
The ramen guy laughed.  
“You two made me remember of my youth! Here you go young man, a free ramen, let your lady enjoy that one!” He grinned and gave a thumbs up.  
“My lady who? Oyaji, if you’re referring to this pile of shit sitting beside me you got it all wrong.”  
“What’s that you filthy piece of shit?! As if I wanted to be your lady?! Only an idiot would want that!”  
“Heh, if liking me is idiocy, what more is liking you? Oh, I know, that’s called impossibility!”  
“You bastard! I will kill you!”  
“Now now! Please calm down you two! You’re disturbing the other customers! I will charge you double if you don’t stop now!”  
Both of them sat down, glaring at each other.  
They both continued eating, not minding their shoulders and legs bumping at their proximity.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Her eyes were looking down at the floor with all the sadness equal to her relief at Shinpachi’s awakening.   
She was tired.   
She was in pain.   
Not for her brother anymore  
but for Kagura….  
Their meeting was more than brief, but the small details didn’t escape her eyes.   
Her weight loss,  
her paler complexion,  
the bags under her eyes.   
But most of all,   
the anguish…….  
regret…….  
fear……...   
It hurts.  
It hurts to see your sister like that.  
She looked at her brother who was silently listening from his music player.  
She can feel the same sadness in him  
And something else,  
Guilt.  
Disappointment.  
On himself.  
Somehow, she felt the same.  
Guilty and disappointed of herself.  
Because…..  
Her eyes focused at the flowers and the CDs.   
How could she even think of hating Kagura?  
“I don’t know if I can face Kagura-chan, now. I’m kind of……scared. I saw her already in Yato mode but, not a monster like that.”  
She looked at her brother.   
She too, doesn’t know how to face Kagura.  
She’s mad.   
Shinpachi almost died because of her.  
She’s hurt.   
She bore the depression of watching her brother struggle in every breath.  
But  
She’s confused.   
Because it hurts to be mad at Kagura as well.  
She still wanted to know how was she doing since the incident.  
Maybe one of the officers know?  
She faced them to ask about the Yato girl, when she caught a glimpse of red just outside the door.  
She froze.   
Her heart dropped.  
“Ka…Kagura-chan?”  
She avoided their eyes as she entered the room then put the flowers and the CD at the table near her.  
She bowed down and said sorry.  
The crack in her voice was enough to make her conscience crumble.  
She felt a strangling pain in her throat.  
She couldn’t breathe properly and her tears were falling.  
She wanted to run to her and embrace her but she dashed outside.  
A trail of tears following her exit.  
She looked at Shinpachi.   
His eyes now were a bit like Kagura’s.  
She sighed.  
“I realized…..that it’s not only you who’s severely wounded, Shin-chan.”   
He turned his head to face her.  
“Kagura-chan was just as fatal.”   
She met her brother’s eyes and walked to him. She took the music player and kept it in the bedside drawer then sat on the bed.   
“For days……I was contemplating how to react in front of her or what to say if we ever meet after the incident. I thought I would want to lash her out for what she did to you and Gin-san, but when I saw her earlier…how miserable she looked…her sorrowful expression.…it was so painful.” She bit her lip as her tears fell. “Kagura-chan’s wounds were deeper…...I saw it in her eyes. She was the most scared…..the most wounded……the most in despair……more than any of us….more than you and Gin-san….” She covered her face with palm of her hands.  
Shinpachi, couldn’t control himself and he too cried.   
“Aneue…” he was restraining himself from sobbing. “Can I see Gin-san?”  
“But your wounds are not fully healed Shin-chan, you might bleed again.” Otae said while wiping her cheeks.  
“Please…” he begged.  
His voice was quivering but his plead was firm.  
She nodded.  
It was all she can do to lessen his pain.  
She was responsible for Kagura’s sorrow too.  
So she’ll do anything to save her.  
To save them.  
Their family.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
“I still don’t want to go home.”  
Kagura said with a sigh. They were inside his car, parked at the river bank, resting after eating several bowls of ramen.  
“Heh, so you got tired of hibernating? Wait, do pigs really hibernate? I thought it was bears.”  
“Fuck you.”  
“And so are you,”  
Sougo grinned.   
This is what he was missing.  
“What are you grinning about you creep?”  
“I was just happy because of the ramen.” He slumped at his seat.  
“I’m still hungry.”  
“What kind of blackhole is in your body for god’s sake China?”  
“Sadist, buy me food.”  
“What are you? My pregnant wife?”  
“I will kill you if you don’t.”  
“Go on and try.” He closed his eyes.  
She poked his shoulder.   
He didn’t budge.  
She poked him again.  
Then poked him on the cheek, twice.  
He didn’t move at all.  
She punched him hard enough his head hit the window.  
“You bitch!”  
“I said I am hungry Sadist!”  
“Eat that fuckin’ yakisoba bread at the backseat you fuckin’ brat!”  
“There is?”  
She peeked at the back and squinted her eyes. She saw a plastic bag at the corner behind her seat. She lifted herself off and wriggled her way to the backseat. “This looks days old Sadist. How long has it been here?”  
“A week.”  
“What?”  
“I said a week.”  
“Why are you keeping food here for a goddamn week?” She asked but Sougo didn’t reply.  
She opened one bread and took a bite. While chewing, she scanned the remaining contents of the plastic bag. “Oi, there’s another yakisoba bread and two cans of orange juice here---and what’s this? Candied fruits? Are these yours or Mayora’s?”  
Sougo just looked at her lazily.  
Kagura looked back at him.   
A ridiculous assumption was formed in her head and she laughed.  
“Sadist! Don’t tell me you were having a date inside this car and with yakisoba bread?! That’s just so lame!” She continued laughing and boy, it was music to his ears.   
This was almost China.  
Unaffected, he just rolled his eyes and slid his way to the backseat as well.  
Kagura wiped the tear in her eyes as she tried her best to suppress another fit of laughter. “I can’t believe you are this tasteless in dating. Who would want a mere yakisoba bread and orange juice on her date?” She chuckled. As she rummaged on the bag, she noticed a familiar small red box at the bottom, covered by a pile of candied fruits.   
Sukonbu. Is written on the box.  
Her laugh ceased.  
Her heart suddenly pounded.  
But why?  
Sadist was looking outside the window. She wanted to ask him if…  
By any chance…  
No.  
She can’t bring herself to speak.  
What am I nervous about?  
She lifted her head and stared at him, her hand inside the bag clutching the Sukonbu.  
Sadist felt her eyes and stared back at her. “What?”  
She fidgeted. “No-Nothing!” She turned to the other side and pocketed the Sukonbu, then took out the remaining bread and the canned orange juice. She bit her lip while fighting back a blush.  
Kagura handed him the bread and the juice without looking at his eyes.  
They ate in silence.  
Kagura swallowed the food and the awkwardness she felt.   
She doesn’t need it right now.   
She distracted herself by looking outside.   
Wrong move.  
She saw an Otsuu poster plastered on the wall of a building.  
She remembered Shinpachi.  
…a monster like that…  
She felt a lump in her throat. She drank and swallowed.  
She felt the heaviness that has become too familiar since the incident.  
“You know, I thought everything was going well before I visited Shinpachi. Baba said we are a family. That Gin-chan and Shinpachi will never hate me for what I did.”  
He was silent.  
“I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I can create my own time machine.”  
“Then what?”  
Kagura looked at him.  
“What do you mean ‘then what?’, of course if I can go back, that incident will never happen, I can reverse the situation.”  
“Hmm.” Sougo played with the can on his hand, watching the light reflect on the tin cover. “Don’t you think this thing – your yato mode- is still bound to happen anytime in the future even if you prevented it at one point?”  
She furrowed her brows. “I don’t get you.”  
He sighed.  
“In simple terms China, this will inevitably happen since it’s in your blood. The only thing we can possibly control is the effect of the aftermath. But still, it depends on the current situation you were in. If you’ll ask me, I think, this current situation was better than any other moment you will ever go berserk.”  
“I still don’t get it.”  
“Cause you’re an idiot, idiot.”  
She glared at him.  
“Not even you can do anything about your Yato tendencies. Fortunately, in your current situation, you have the people capable of handling and understanding the danger and is willing to take the risk of keeping you on ground. You still need to look at the positive side China, if this was any other time without Danna and Shinpachi-kun---“  
“And you?”  
He was taken aback.   
He looked at her curious eyes. “What?”  
“You? The Shinsengumi?”  
Oh. That’s what she meant.  
He cleared his throat. “Yes, the Shinsengumi. Without us to stop you, don’t you think it will be more fatal?”  
They fell silent.  
China continued to stare at him.  
He kept his eyes glued on the back of the driver’s seat.  
Unexpectedly, she pulled his hair. “Ouch! Ouch! What the fuck are you doing?!” He grabbed her wrist but her hold was tight. She jerked him towards her. “China! Let go-“  
“Sadist…”  
He froze.   
Her hand let go of his hair and glided down his nape.  
He almost shivered at the touch.  
“Thank you.”  
He can feel her breath at the side of his face.  
He seized her hand.  
Pulled back  
Stared at her  
Their faces inches away.  
China’s eyes were tinted with tears and the moonlight.  
He studied her face even more.  
Normally, she looked cheeky.  
Tonight, she looked innocent  
And too good for his own liking.  
His gaze went down to her departed lips.  
He leaned closer.   
He cannot understand why he feels a soaring anticipation inside him.  
He had done this quite a few times. He was at that age after all.  
But they were dull.  
And he always question Kondo-san for exaggerating the feeling.  
China was slowly closing her eyes.  
There was awkwardness and hesitation in how they inched closer  
But the moment their noses touched;   
they knew this was really happening.  
They’ll kiss.  
‘Sougo, where the hell are you?’  
They both jumped in surprise at the static voice of Hijikata on the radio.  
Disoriented, blushing and totally rattled.  
“Tsk.” He rubbed his face with his palms. “I’ll take you home now.”   
He transferred to the driver’s seat.  
Kagura was all fidgety as she gathered all the trash.   
She didn’t dare to return at the front sit beside him.  
They were both avoiding looking at each other’s direction.   
Sougo stepped on the gas, clenching his jaw whilst trying to calm down.  
Fuckin’ stupid Hijikata. You better say your prayers now.  
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/  
It was similar to his room when he first woke up.  
It was all white, bland and no windows.  
It’s suffocating….  
In the middle of it, laid Gin-san.   
Bandages all over his body, several stitches to close those deep lacerations, casts for his broken arms and legs, eyes still swollen and bulging, lips dry and cracked, an oxygen tube on his mouth and many other wires and catheter all attached to him to monitor every vitals.  
Aneue said this was better than the first few nights.  
At least.  
He didn’t want to imagine how wrecked Gin-san’s body was before   
Because the memories were enough to give him a clue.  
“It’s been a while, Gin-san.” He looked at his face.   
He wanted this meeting to be as light and as casual as possible.   
But he wanted to cry again.  
He wasn’t used to see Gin-san like this.  
Otae left the room to give him, or rather, them, some privacy.   
“Gin-san….I’m sorry….I was weak…..then and now…..”  
He sobbed.  
Gin-san tried to protect him and save Kagura.  
But to save her without hurting her was impossible so he had to use his own body as a barrier every time Shinpachi was under attacked.  
Him.   
A weak and coward samurai.  
He failed Gin-san.  
….a monster like that….  
Now he failed Kagura-chan too.  
He held onto Gin-san’s arm and slumped his head.   
“Gin-san, when will you wake up? I need you to punch me…or kicked me….or yell at me….so I can think straight. I need to hear you say something about Kagura-chan. I’m a terrible brother to her you know? She was left alone by a big brother for the second time. Do I deserve to be called the second baka aniki? Gin-san, please open your eyes. I don’t know what to do…..”


End file.
